Giving A Lift to a Relative

Giving a Lift to a Relative

It is that time of the year when many of you travel long distance to the Village for the Festive season. One of the most difficult things is to GIVE or be GIVEN a lift by a Relative, unless you enjoy an EXTREMELY comfortable embarrassment-free relationship. The discomfort makes many of you lie and say ‘yakazara’; ‘handisi kuinda kumusha’; ‘ndiri kuinda kwanaMadam’ etc. This is just to avoid having to deal with the discomfort. Much of this discomfort would be reduced if we followed basic rules of etiquette. I suggest the following Rules:
1. Do not offer ‘kudira’ fuel unless you really mean it. Any driver will know from the sound of your voice when you do not mean it. Pretending to read my newspaper at the fuel station is just not funny. If you really mean it, just bring some coupons.
2. Do not call me ONLY just before a major holiday and talk aimless and end the conversation with the question ‘munoinda kumusha here’? If you do not know the names of my children, you probably should not be asking for a lift.
3. If I give you the lift, please buy your own beer. The cooler box is for me and my family. Again do not expect me to buy you food. I have a family to feed. Use that money you are saving!
4. Do not complain about my driving, speed or lack of it. I married someone precisely to do that!
5. No smoking. This applies whether it’s done inside or outside the car. Madison is not a good perfume.
6. When the Police stop us, please shut up! You are not the driver.
7. Use the seat belt. It is there for a purpose. If it makes you uncomfortable, you should really take Musasiwa. They do not have seat belts on their buses.
8. Do not throw out rubbish through the window. Neither should you throw it on the floor.
9. Please do not relieve yourself on my car wheels. Firstly, my family does not need to see you. Secondly, I will have to change the wheels at some point. It is enough having to deal with dog urine on the wheels!
10. If you have a weak bladder please do not DRINK! Do not compete with the Police in stopping me!
11. We will leave at the time that I have set. If you are not there by that time, I will not come and look for you at your house, nyangwe muri Sekuru!
12. On the way, it is good to chat. But please know what to talk about. My kids do not need to hear you say, ‘mbuya venyu vakaroiwa naMai Nzviru, nokuti vairima rukweza zvakaoma!’
13. When you turn up for the lift, please do not bring additional passengers like your wife and children and say, ‘tsano, ambhuya venyu nerudhendhe varamba kusara’!
14. Do not bring excess luggage. I may have a pick-up but it is not a hired container. You do not decide to carry all the scrap rubbish to the Village simply because I have given you a lift. The same rule applies on return. Do not bring sacks of maize simply because my car is now ‘empty’.
15. ‘Kuyenda hwumbangu, kudzoka hwumbangu’ does not apply. Do not expect me to take you back simply because ‘takauya tose’! We must have an EXPRESS agreement on this. Number 13 applies again!
Have a Merry Xmas, and a prosperous 2012! If you are anywhere near Bako, Gutu, come and enjoy 7 days on Unity Day!!

By Tererai R. Mafukidze